Today is December 4, 2009. It snowed today. May not be a big deal to anyone who experience it every winter, but for us Houstonians, it's a miracle. You never really know how much you have been missing something, till it comes back again after many years. Likewise, seeing it snow after 8 long years of separation from my family in China made me how much I miss my old home. As a child, I grew up with harsh winter and four inches of snow. It was old news back then. To me now, a little bit of my past childhood moved me to tears.
Reading the book Jane Eyre right now, behind schedule for school :P The main character Jane resembles me in many ways in the way in which she approaches love. She will neither "beckon it to approach, nor will she stir one step to meet it where it waits for her". Recent readings have gotten me to examine my approach. It tis true that i never fight for what I want in that field. Is it bad? Perhaps. But I always had the idea that the girl was to sit and wait, while the guys took the action. Is it simply my pride that's keeping me from action? But no future is seen right now, then again, that often seem to be my reason. Is that too also an excuse? Reminds me of this quote that I read. "He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." -Lao Tzu
My transcript for UT still have not been received. My mother urges me to appply to UTArlington. She has so little faith that I will make the school. Sigh.. I have to say that i am quite hurt by that suggestion. My car's also having problems, I can only pray to God that it will suffice for till the end of senior year. I need it.
My relationship with God has been peaceful. I often sought out his help and often thank him. Although I believe I am slaking on the bible reading part. Chris' sermons are harder and harder to make through without dozing off, although i can still get his point. Though it seems to me that he often repeats the same things over as reminders. Those reminders are meant well, but I do have to admit, they bore me. With out my nii-san, I can no longer involve in conversation of great depth. Because of the absence of the book which I learn from, I'm derived of source to learn also. This of course may all be excuses for my laziness again, nevertheless, I pray that God will help me to go to sleep earlier on Saturday to be able to stay awake on Sunday for church. I shall also thank him once again for this magnificent miracle which he displayed today. I also pray that he will continually watch over me and my family and our digression through daily lives.
After playing in the snow for hours today, I walked to Katlyns house soaked and cold. She immediately cared for me in tenderness and motherliness. No matter how long we have been friends, whenever she does that I feel loved and love her all the more. I do not wish to ever separate from her for she is dear to me. She may only think of me as one of her many best friends. But I feel that she will be the only one who will take that place in my heart for a long time. Maybe all my life. Whatever will happen to us, I do not know. I am sure though, even after 30 years of separation, we will meet and become the closest of friends again in no time :) That fact is of some comfort to me. My academic levels and hers will the reason for our split. I can blame neither of us for that gap.
Oh, yeah! Pickachu I hope you soon find your Pikamate and find true enduring love and lasting happiness ;)

So i discovered that after long years of abstinence, i now like someone. The feelings came back. The anxiety when he's around, the jealousy of other girls, the weariness. It's kinda painful....................and i now have a stalker. He goes to my school, in my digital graphics class, was the one who gave me hair a couple of years back. He knows where i live, and is planning on giving me a second present. Not only am i flipping creep-ed out, but i'm also frustrated by my new unrequited like for someone. overall kinda troubled, but all i can do is pray, and do the normal and i really don't want people to know, so on top of everything, keep it in when it feels like it might explode out of me.
Dear God, please watch over me and help me okay? Love you <3
- your tired little child-

school have started, everything is starting to get busy. The first six weeks grading period i did fairely well. Second six weeks i completely lost grip of things and did absolutely horrible. Now third six week started, on my physics test that i took today, i was soo lost. But now looking back at the problems, i know how to do them, its just that i'm not careful enough and made alot of stupid mistakes, including not bring book and work to english which made my quiz average in the 60s. THe only thing that i can ask my self right now is why am i so stupid. I want to do good, and i try hard, but the results are always opposite of what i want. Its like everything that i have done has gone to waste. I kinda just got sick of stdying and didn't look over the review stuff as closely as i should have. if i pass tomorrow i'll be thanking the Lord. THe sweet and happy feeling from summer has completely gone. i'm feelingless, tired and sick of feeling things right now. I also am drifiting from my christian life. RIght now i just want to make ammends with God. Its comforting to know that no matter what God is with us and will be with us to help us. Unlike the people in this world, we arn't judged by our grades, apparences, what we act like but by the heart. Love and kindness, i have alot of them, but after beeing stressed they have been pushed away. I want the warm feeling inside of me back. I want to go on daily as a servant of GOd. I realize that rescently i have been trying to do everything on my own and failing badly at it, so GOd please forgive me, i love you and lead me into the right direction I feel hazy all the time, please let me be awake and conciense of everything. Help me to be more careful and observant. Please Lord i desperately need your presense and help. Lord, i call out to you and your mercy. I know being a Christian isn't a easy life, but please help me to know that when i'm right, i'm right, WHen i'm wrong please let my conciense know and led me to the right path. At this time of suffering i call out to you Lord. Please help your child.

    Looking at some of my friends i feel that i have a much easier life. It makes me thankful yet it also makes me really sad to see them suffer while i'm in the mist of my joy. I went to Christine's house today, partly to comfort her and partly to see how she's doing. A few days ago, someone in Florida hacked into her computer, stole her information and then broke into her bank account and stole almost all of her money that was on her debit card. The money that she sacrificed her summer for. She worked almost 60 hours a week in additional to SAT class. She had no time to enjoy her summer. We can only pray that her bank will be nice enough to repay her. On top of all that she have her family problem, school work and a lot of other things to worry about.
After i came home i told my mom how i felt, she said that it wasn't bad to be happy. She also said that i had to do my part so i can enjoy the pleasure. I think i'm doing my part. Cleaning and doing other things to help my mom. Studying, painting, going to class. I would have done better, but most of the times i don't feel a need to. It's summer, i want to have fun and enjoy it while i can. But, my mom kept on saying how i'm not trying my hardest. I'm not doing my part fully. True, i could have painted more, spend more time on it. I could have done more in the house to help my parents. I could have studied more. It is really necessary to make your self so tired and busy all the time. It's not like i'm not doing anything. I am. Just not enough for my mom. I love art, but when it becomes a forced duty its not enjoyable anymore. When i'm constantly   reminded of how much money she paid for my lessons.How little awards i get.How i didn't paint more than 2 hours a day on it. Art becomes a nagging duty  rather than something i love. I do my part in studying, but i don't spend my whole life on it. You can learn so much more from the outside world than from a textbook. Why do i have to bury myself in them? I don't know anymore. Sometimes i feel like i'm not doing enough. Other times i wonder why i can't just live life. Am i not doing enough? I do try, but i admit. If it's something that i don't really care for then i'll not put in my whole effort. If i want something then i'll try my hardest to get there. My mom always tell me that if i even put in 80% of effort in what i'm doing, i can achieve great things. I am trying though, but for something i don't care for i have no motivation to work for it. Is she expecting too much out of me or am i not trying enough. i don't know. "Do everything you do unto the Lord." It is wrong if i don't want to try so hard for something i don't care for? Number 1 in the class means nothing to me if i can't maintain a social life. I'm not a genius. Getting high ranks, doing well in classes is already a struggle for me. Is it ok to just be a good student and not that best. Is it ok to just take art as a hobby instead of a duty? in the summer, i paint, study, go to class for part of the day. The majority of the time i'm doing something else for my pleasure. Is that bad? I don't have a job yet that i can work on. I don't have as much as responsibility and things to worry about as others. Can i just have it easy? Itsn't the most important thing to obey the Lord's command and be a good Christian. Chris told us that school and grades does not earn u anything. He also said that it is not wrong to enjoy and be happy. Am i taking his words overboard and enjoying too much? Other kids who doesn't have strict parents probably never even heard of homework in the summer. A lot of kids my age probably doesn't worry about not studying in the summer. I do. sighhhh
I'm lost in my own words................
i don't know anymore.-__-

    Last time i wrote on here that  I think it was time for me to grow up. Well, after the missionary trip i really did. I matured a little, learned a little, got closer to some church members. Looking back at my posts i feel silly seeing how ....distant and young my posts were. I finally realized a distinct goal that i want to achieve. A distinct personality i want to have. I want to be someone who understand the complexity of everything in this chaotic world, but also keep the pureness, simpleness, maybe even naiveness that i now possess. A person who may see through others motives but still be able think the best of it. A person who will be kind to even the ones that will hurt them. A kind of person who will achieve the Lords words that i long to hear. "You have worked hard my good and faithful servant."  For that goal, and for that line, i'll work hard. After the trip i realized that the world is big, and my life is good. I realized that many have it worse than me. A realization the will keep me from whining and complaining like i always do. I pray to God that i'll keep on growing and reached my goal.
    Through the trip i grew closer to many church members. Friends forever/ Never apart/ Maybe in distance/ Never in heart. I hope that all the friends i have made so far will forever remain close to me in heart even if they are thousands of miles away. For those who are important to me, even if they have to stop being a part of my life, hopefully they will remember that once upon their life, a girl named Dawn loved them. People appear and disappear. Whether you want them to stay or leave. So, for those that i love who i'll leave behind or who will leave me behind, i wish to meet again in heaven, and be together eternally.
 People that i really  love now include:  My family.  Katlyn, Victoria, Zainab, Christine (My sisters).  Chinese Lutheran Church English Ministry (My Second Home). :]
To Katlyn and Victoria, i hope that the future will be what we imagined. Going to the same college and growing old together. My bestest friends forever and ever, I love u guys. Lets hope we will forever and ever be friends even until heaven and in heaven.
 To Zainab and Christine, i am forever thankful for you guys. You guys has shown my many things that my other friends could not. I am honored to have friends like yall. Lets hope we will be friends for LIFE.
To CLC EM, our church is the church i first got to know and accepted God. The placed that i receive my eternal life. It means to me more than words can manage. You guys are the blessing i receive from God that i am forever thankful for. I hope even in the future we will grow stronger together as a church. I Love You Guys!!!!!!
To Mommy and Daddy: I love u guys Thank you for everything.
Thank you God for all the people that are in my life.
I hope to grow more and more in Christ. I hope God that you will keep me on this earth long enough to mature and love.
I have a long way because i am young. So, lets hope i make the most of it. XD


   

My 16 birthday pass with the blink of an eye. Before i knew it, a month of summer had passed. It was not as boring as i had expected to be. I hang out with my friends at least three times a week. The other half of the week I stay home simply enjoying my summer. My eye sight is getting worse and worse by the more frequent visit to the computer. Hours and hours I would stay on the computer wrapping in my self in a fake word of dramas, living others' life as my own. Other times, I would be a good kid and study for SAT as expected of me. VBS has also passed. I was fortunate enough to have attended two days out of the five. The little young life that was present give me joy. My love for little kids will probably never change. I can't wait till the missionary trip. It will probably the only work i do all summer. Desperately, I been trying to find a job. The results was and is always disappointing. I just want to have something to do, at the same time earn me some spending money for the movie and mall trips i take with my friends. Why is it so hard to find even the most basic job? My anxiety kept my temper flaring in the beginning of summer. But soon i learned. What is yours is yours, what is not yours will never be yours. If it comes take it with gratitude, if it doesn't let it go. I learned it the hard way. Patients is a virtue, but waiting is a pain in the butt. The three wishes I made on my birthday, only one came true. First wish is for me to find a job, which hasn't happened yet. Second wish of having a fun summer is fulfilling slowly. Third wish and the secret wish......is to find my lover. :]   Who knows how long the world have before Jesus comes back down to earth. I know i'm only 16, but my wanting for true love have started ever since i was a kid. Wishing for a kind of love so pure and true that its rare. A kind of love where no wordly thing can undermine. A Christian  love with care, understanding, respect, thoughtfulness, patients and gratitude. A deep love if not one near perfection. I don't know whether i wished for too much. Is it too much to ask for? I await the time when my third wish will be fulfilled. Meanwhile, summer has been peaceful and relaxing. Next school years stress waits for me to return. Junior year is going to be the most stressful, busy, and hard year of my high school career. Kindness.... its about the only good point i have....sad isn't it? I will set my self to improve for the better. So wait till the day i become a even better Christian. =] Hehe.. i can pour out all my thoughts here because i know very VERY few people read it. =]

i screwed up big time today. I made my mother cry. She told me she felt like a horrible person, a failure as a mother. The source of those feelings came from my harsh comments that i said when i was mad. I tried to tell her its my fault not hers, but i don't know how much she understood. I love her, i don't want her to feel anyother way. This miscommunication between us is hurting both of us. Its the second time i ever seen her cry,  and i was the cause of it. I can only pray that she won't bear a scar by what i said.

Its been exactly a month since i last posted. Nothing really changed much. Recently i been getting into fights with my parents more frequently.
I realized that my dad is lonely. He lack a social life and friends that can relieve him from his stress. I feel his loneliness but i can not do anything to fill that loneliness. My mom and I are busy with school. That leaves him watching Tv by himself in our living room day after day. I feel bad for his loneliness. My only option is praying to God that he might find a co-worker compatible enough to be his friend. That way, work won't be so boring and tedious to him. I never thought that i really love my dad. But realizing how much his loneliness is bothering me, i guess i do.